Bullied and Blessed

The Bullying Part:

The advantage of growing up in a small town is – everybody knows everybody.  The disadvantage of growing up in a small town is – everybody knows everybody.  Labels rarely change; your stars are set. Popular families stay popular.  Unpopular families stay unpopular.  At least that was the pattern for me growing up in Ririe, Idaho.

The cruelty began at a very young age.  I lived a few miles out of town and was socially isolated. My parents didn’t really encourage friendships outside of the family and provided no opportunities for socializing except at the church we all went to.  This was a real disadvantage for me. I was a misfit.

It was almost as if some of my classmates could smell my vulnerability like piranhas smell blood, and they moved in for the kill.  I was a kind child and had not provoked this meanness – it broke my heart.  The reasons they hated me were primitive and constant.  It didn’t matter what I did, I was the object of their cruelty.

I was lonely.  I remember as a first grader, sitting on a swing in the playground alone.  I had bought a candy bar, which was a real treat since I rarely had money.  I was about to eat it when two girls my age approached me and promised they would play with me if I gave it to them.  I had always been excluded and was excited to think that might change.  I gladly handed over my untouched treat.  They immediately began laughing at my stupidity as they ran away, leaving me staring after them.  I was too numb to cry.

The same two girls came riding their horse to my house one summer day a few months later. I greeted them reluctantly.  They cruelly began a taunting chant, “We’re having a party and you can’t come… We’re having a party and you can’t come…”  I didn’t know what to say and silently watched them as they rode away.

I was only invited to one party in young life.  I still remember the details of that occasion – a Halloween party.  Later I was saddened to learn that the girl’s mother had forced her to invite me because we were in the same Primary class at church.

*Lesson:   I wish I had known then what I know now:
The bullying doesn’t last forever!
I don’t think I ever thought of that then.

I tried forming the Tomboy’s Club when I was in third grade.   Only one girl joined so we disbanded.  I found myself spending more time with the boys in my class than with the girls.  They were kinder to me.  I practiced playing softball until I was very good, and spent almost every available minute during recess and lunch playing softball with the boys.

The above-mentioned clique of girls and their friends in later years ended up being the student body president and cheerleaders for our school.  Almost everyone loved them and followed their lead.

No matter what I did they laughed at me. They laughed at my clothes (which were mostly homemade by my spinster Aunt Roma, who was by no means a fashion expert.)  They laughed at my singing.  They gossiped behind my back.  They taunted me for being a, “Goodie, goodie,” because I didn’t do some of the things they did.

Call me stupid, but I kept trying to be their friend.  On one occasion we were swimming in a stream in a very secluded place and we ended up in our underwear.  Somehow a camera surfaced that day and a picture of me was circulated around school.  It was humiliating.

 

*Lesson:   I wish I had known then what I know now:
Stop trying to win them over.   It is a losing battle!   Focus more on the other kids in the class and make better friends with them.   Not everybody is cruel.
It would have been a better use of my energy.

There was a period of time when a group of unsavory boys threatened to drag me into an empty classroom and . . .  For a few weeks I spent my lunch hours at the Seminary building with my dad who was a teacher there, until the threat died down.

Nobody wanted me in their tent at girl’s camp until I was forced upon them.  I spent hours hiding in the bushes above the camp while they were trying to find me to throw me in the creek.

One of the most profound lessons of my life occurred one evening as I was crying.  My dad came into my room to talk to me.  He asked if I was crying because I was lonely, I nodded.  He then began teaching me that Jesus had taught his disciples to pray for those that despitefully used you and persecuted you.  I remember crawling out of my bed onto my knees, and praying for them.  I did not return unkindness for unkindness.  I took it quietly.  I think that was a miracle.

 

*Lesson:  I wish I had known then what I know now:
Bullying is never about you.  It’s about how you handle it.
God is always there to help.  The rewards for how you handle it are wonderful and will come in later years.

As I mentioned before, I was much more accepted by the boys in my class. Junior high cheerleader tryouts were coming and only the boys were being allowed to vote.  This would change everything.  Maybe I would have a better chance winning.  I decided to try out. I created a cheer routine and did a nice job.  We all waited for the results.  I didn’t make it and was sad, only to find out that I had won, but the girls counting the votes hated me and put another girl in my place.  The cheer advisor decided to let them keep me out.

*Lesson:   I wish I had known then what I know now:
Spend your energy on what you have control of.  Focus on your talents, develop them.  Work hard in   school.  Those things are yours to keep.
It would have made things easier to take.

The music teacher was a different story.  He recognized my talents and gave me every opportunity possible regardless of the politics.  He allowed me to go to a big Regional Choral Music Festival, even if I was an underclassman, if I agreed to audition for a very difficult soprano solo in one of the choral numbers.  I actually won the solo.  All of a sudden my schoolmates acted all friendly.  It was the first time some of them had ever spoken to me.  The popularity, however, ended the moment the event was over.

I ended up transferring schools in the middle of my junior year.  I left Ririe, and went to school in Rigby, Idaho. Once I left I never looked back–no High School reunions, or keeping in touch. I was gone!  I moved on to greener pastures, glad to be rid of the ridicule.  Glad to be able to start anew where hardly anybody knew me and I was judged on my own merits.  I began to have friends.  I was still called a, “Goodie, goodie,” from the rough crowd, but that was ok.

One funny thing happened when I was playing intermural fast-pitch softball at my new school.  Our team was playing the team that had the fastest pitcher I had ever seen.  It was scary even to come to the plate to hit.  It was my turn to bat.  I had just moved into position when I heard a voice from a parked car near the baseball field, “Hey, Jeppsen! Have you prayed about it! (laugh, laugh).”  I ignored him and stepped to the plate.  I never heard another remark because somehow I hit a homerun!  Nice timing.

In later years, one of the girls admitted being so mean to me.  None ever apologized.  I think they had minimized it, and I would never let them know how badly they had hurt me, or how miserable they had made my life.  My pathway through life was deeply affected by the actions of others.  I did not have any say in how they treated me, but I always had a say in how I responded.

The Blessing Part:

Even though I still bear some of the scars of the bullying to this today, I am so much stronger because of it, and my heart is more aware and open.  It was a refining process that I am forever grateful for.

It humbled me and brought me closer to my Savior.
I learned to rely on my family and put them first in my life.
I learned how it felt to be an outcast and became more compassionate.
I learned patience and longsuffering.
I resolved to return kindness for cruelty.
I resolved to teach my children awareness and compassion.

The real treasures in life come from the wisdom that can be gifted to us because of our darkest hours.  God will always shine a light to show us the way and heal us if we turn to him.  He can make the bitter become sweet. He has done it for me over and over again.

This is the greatest miracle of all.